I Need To Get Serious A Moment…

So… I have a very difficult situation I have to face today. I have to attend a viewing and say goodbye to a family member who died last week from COVID…

You know, we see it in the news, all over the internet, everywhere we turn. There it is, COVID, in some form or another, staring us in the face. We’re constantly being told how many new cases there are, how high the death toll is now from whatever new variant they’ve found… And, if you’re like me, you roll your eyes and let out a groan and say, “Jesus fucking Christ, is this shit ever going to end?!” because you’re so sick and fucking tired of hearing about it on a non-stop basis, you’re tired of the mask wearing, the hand sanitizing, the constant state of fear the media is putting us in by reporting all these new variants, cases and deaths. All you want is normalcy, to be able to go back to how it was before COVID when we all had lives and could live them. No having to wear masks, no having to keep six feet apart (though I do admit, I like the social distancing since I don’t like people that close to me if I don’t know them or even if I do sometimes), no being afraid to go visit family and friends, give them a hug, go on a first date and give them a kiss… We all want that world.

I’m sure you’re wondering about the horse pictures… The cousin, Penny (her real name) was an avid rider. She had been riding probably since she was old enough to figure out how. She loved horses so much and actually had her own. She even belonged to groups that would go take rides in various nature areas. Hence the reason for all the horse pictures. They’re to honor her.

Aside from being an equestrian, Penny was just about one fo the sweetest people you ever wanted to meet. Whereas a lot of the family wasn’t exactly kind to me, Penny was always sweet to me. She was genuinely just a good person, which is something that’s so rare in today’s world. Hell, every time she ran into me, she would tell me to come over to her house and we’d go riding. I had only had the chance to do so once when I was 7 and I was pretty terrified (I’ve always been afraid of heights and he was a tall but gentle pony named Shane). She assured me she could teach me well.

Unfortunately, Penny and her boyfriend didn’t get vaccinated against COVID… I mean yeah, I was leery about getting it. The whole thing just reeked of some bizarre government thing. And who knows what the fuck kind of weird cancer or other illness it’ll give you down the road? But I certainly didn’t want COVID, so I got vaccinated. I wish they had… Her boyfriend went into the hospital first and managed to survive (but he’s still rather ill). Penny, however, went downhill fast due to COVID and double pneumonia. Her oxygen stats dropped to 60% and she was put in a medically induced coma on 100% oxygen. Later that day she was improving, so they bumped the oxygen down. She kept yo-yoing after that… Improving, getting worse, improving, getting worse… She went into cardiac arrest three times, had to have a temporary pacemaker… In the end, her lungs, which had once been black on the X-rays with a bit of white (they should be all black as they’re air cavities) were completely white. She could no longer expel carbon dioxide at all. Had she made it, she’d have been a vegetable and no one wanted that…

So mid last week, Penny took her last breath…

Now, you all know I’m an atheist… But if there is an afterlife, I like to think that Penny is up there riding all the horses she can find (and maybe a few unicorns, if they were ever a real thing or even if they weren’t). And when I hear loud rumbles of thunder from now on, I’ll just think it’s Penny riding at a full gallop across the heavens…

So Friday, even though I had been putting it off, I went out and got my booster shot. I spent the weekend in misery. I was tired, a bit nauseous, and my arm hurt like a fuck which it didn’t hurt that bad the first two times. It was so bad it went into my armpit and was moving into my pectoral muscle! The injection site got hot… I actually texted my sister (the nurse practitioner) and she said that was normal. She’s gotten swollen lymph nodes in her armpits from one of the shots, too. It was certainly uncomfortable and painful, but I did it for Penny’s sake.

My face tonight when I see certain “family”…

And now the real shit show begins…

Tonight is the service (graveside is private) and all the family will be there. It’s difficult enough to deal with 90% of them because they’re just assholes, but there’s one in particular I’m concerned about. Penny was the oldest of three and it’s the middle sister I’m concerned about. When she learned Penny was in the hospital with COVID, her response was, “I need this like I need a hole in the head.” She was yelling at doctors, blaming the youngest sister and their father for not including her in decisions (which they did and didn’t have to as they had power of attorney), tried bullying the doctors into using non FDA approved drugs, accused the family of wasting her time and money when she was making the trip home anyway for a different reason… When Penny passed, she wrote a Facebook post blaming her father, saying the reason for all this was because he left their mother (over 30 years ago, grow up, get over it) and told him he brought this plague upon their family and she hoped he was happy he killed his own daughter. She was harassing him so badly, the youngest had to block her number from their father’s phone. She was also harassing the youngest, calling her a bitch and just being a lunatic in general. Yeah, that’s how to behave right now…

Mind you, this lunatic had been bad mouthing Penny to me for years, but as soon as she got sick, she used her to play the pity card. I was pissed enough then to call her on her bullshit, but I didn’t. I’m not sure I can keep quiet seeing her tonight, I really don’t. Who the hell does these kinds of things?! For fuck’s sake! Makes me want to go buy her a box of white chalk and tell her, “Well, you play the victim so often, I figured you should have your own box of outline chalk…” She and I had it out several years ago because I was sick of her manipulation and bullying tactics. I know it’s not the time or place, but for how she’s hurt everyone with her pettiness… I don’t know. Is there enough Klonopin in the world to deal with this?! Plus I’ve been dealing with a lot of my own emotional issues since August when my mother had her heart attack. I’m just not sure I’m stable enough to deal with this right now, bury a cousin a year younger than me… deal with the shit show that one decided to start at the worst and most inappropriate time imaginable. I don’t know what to do…

You know, you hear so much about COVID all over the fucking place, but you brush it off and don’t give it much thought until it happens to someone you’re close to… So I’m asking you, dear readers, even if you don’t trust the vaccine, please, go get vaccinated. Normally I wouldn’t have shared something like this or use a real name, but I’m hoping that those of you who are on the fence about it learned from what I’ve told you and what I’ve told you about how horrible her death was. It wasn’t pretty… She suffered unspeakably. So please, if you haven’t been vaccinated or you’re putting off that booster because you were really sick from the second dose, go get your booster. Do it for Penny and those who suffered as she did. You don’t want it to end that way…

I’ll miss you, Penny… I hope there is an afterlife and it’s filled with all the horses you can ride through the most beautiful landscapes imaginable. I hope you’re doing what you love best with the people you love who have gone before you. The world just won’t be the same without you in it to make us all smile…

Oh For Fuck’s Sake… Just Breathe, Jackie…

So… things have been a bit rough emotionally and mentally lately. I’ve been going to therapy, which does help, but it sometimes brings up some irritating subjects and feelings. I’d also somehow strayed from the very thing that made me feel better, my hippie dippy doings, which was bad. So I got my head out my ass and went back to what helped before. I even did some very mild yoga poses one day (my knees say “oh hell no” to about 90% of them I’m sorry to say) and I realized that my back and the side of my ribs felt so much better. Even that weird sacroiliac joint felt better! So I think I’m going to be doing those mild poses as part of my daily routine.

But hey, this is me we’re talking about here! Just when I start feeling better for whatever reason, whether it’s getting in touch with my hippie dippy side or working shit out in therapy or taking medication to fix whatever the fuck is wrong with my brain, there’s always something (or someone) that comes along to piss on my fucking parade… Pretty soon I’m going to start telling people to literally stay the fuck away from me because I’m going to have my fucking parade, damn it, and they’re not going to piss all over it! I’m so sick and fucking tired of being the person everyone comes to when they need to bitch or cry it out, especially when they don’t learn the first time. GAH!!!

My villagers keep getting weirder and weirder…

So I’m sorry to say, dear readers… I’ll be spamming you with Animal Crossing screenshots. I just need the cuteness and the smiling faces right now.

I’m beginning to worry about my villagers, to be honest… I mean, the dialogue is all programed, so they tell us, anyway. I thought it a bit odd last year when I went to speak to Zell when he was seated and his response was to close his eyes and say, “Om…” He then opened his eyes and apologized, telling me he was getting in some power meditation. Then this conversation happened with Mint a few days ago where she’s telling me about her chakras… What the actual fuck?!? I mean, I know I named my island Zen Isle and I know I wanted it to be a little retro 70s and a little zen mixed together. I know I give them weird catch phrases to say (“namaste” being one, “jazzy” being another). But it’s like they’re starting to understand the concept. Freaky, isn’t it…?

If you don’t get the toga party, watch “Animal House”…

I actually had to call Nintendo the other day because my game froze… The woman I spoke to and I got into an interesting conversation about how many adults she gets calls from that play this game. Honestly, it is mostly adults… We have the patience for a slower paced game and find it relaxing. And, if you’re creative like me, you can do amazing things like make forced perspective landscapes with dollhouses which, when put on the far side of a lake you build, look like far away houses. And you also get weird ideas when you get a DIY recipe to make a vine crown and think, “Hmm, I have a toga in my inventory and this crown would look perfect… I need to make a toga party scene with my villagers!” And then you actually do it… I belong to a Facebook group and when I was going on Facebook, I would upload these cute scenes and everyone loved them. It’s a creative outlet and a much needed escape for me.

I see bad things for someone in their future…

So as to why I need to just breathe… Well, I was wrong when I thought that my issues with Morticia were over… You know, I love her, I really do. We’ve been friends for probably about a quarter of a century now. I want to help her; I really do. I want to help her make positive changes in her life. Like her house… It was her mother’s (she passed a year ago) and living there as it is, she still sees it as her mother’s house because it looks the same minus a few tiny changes. So I told her since she got back the expensive gift she had given Gomez (that he never deserved) she should return it, take that money and buy paint and I’d help her make that house her own. Baby steps… When her furnace went out over the weekend (and it was cold!) she was going to call Gomez. I told her no, she had to stop relying on him and I called my friend to see if her husband would look at that and the electrical issue that blew out half her house. I had hoped it would have proved my point; she doesn’t need to rely on Gomez for shit. Yet she’s been bringing his name up more often lately… And yesterday when I went to visit her and take her a gift I bought her at the hippie dippy store to help her, I had mentioned getting the money back from his gift and she told me she gave it back to him and said she told me she was going to. She had mentioned she wanted to and I told her I would kick her ass if she did. He didn’t deserve it. When I scolded her, she said she’s not like that…She bought it for him, so she gave it back to him. I’m sorry… WHAT?!?

If only my real house looked so awesome…

So again it comes down to this… She thinks I’m cold hearted because I would have taken his gift back and returned it for the money. It was $300!! And that night, Christmas night, after he gave her gifts even your grandma would frown upon that cost maybe $30 total, he told her he didn’t love her or care about her. And then she gives the son-of-a-bitch the gift back?!?

I was so pissed yesterday (especially when she then said she was going to ask Gomez and his loser brother to help her paint the outside of the house) that I said he was going to give her the $300 she spent on that fucking gift, to which she told me, “No, just let it go. It’s not worth it.” Oh…?!? It’s not worth it! Morticia thinks it’s not worth it! Well then I guess it must be true, right?! Hahahaaa! Yeah… I don’t think so… I think it’s very worth it at this point…

Hahahaa, it’s “That 70s Island”… Get it?

So me confronting Gomez and telling him what a piece of human shit he is, that he’s not a real man and needs to pay her or give her the gift back (which he never should have accepted the second time) and never darken her door again is purely therapeutic for me. It’s worth it to me for every time I had to listen to her bitch, for every tear she shed that I had to bear witness to because he treated her like shit and she was so unhappy. It’s worth it for all the times I told her to leave his sorry ass and she never did because he had her so snowed that she thought the Gomez he was when they met was still in there somewhere even though I told her that Gomez never existed and it was a ruse to get her hooked. For all the stress and mental anguish she’s caused me by dumping her problems with him in my lap over all these years, it’ll be worth telling him I want to go up his nose, reach down and pull those little raisins he calls balls out through his nostrils. Will that make me feel better? Yes… yes it will…

My squirrely “boyfriend” Marshal and my buddy Kabuki

Don’t worry; I’m not a psycho… The worst that’s going to happen to Gomez is that I’m going to say horrible things that will make him cry (I’m good at that) and maybe he’ll get punched in the dick if he really pisses me off…

Maybe it seems silly to be so angry, but those two ass clowns have caused me more mental anguish than you realize. There were times when I got off the phone with Morticia that I just sat here and cried because my own life was falling apart and I just didn’t need that 6th call of the day to tell me what an asshole Gomez was and how much he treated her like shit. And this was every fucking day for years! That’s enough to take a toll on anyone’s mental state. I started cringing when my phone rang, would nearly burst into tears when I saw it was Morticia. I eventually had to stop answering. It still took her a long time to get the hint and stop calling so much.

Me and Audie doing the island resort thing

Honestly, for how much she’s talking about Gomez and making comments about how much he’d have to do to get her to take him back, I have a feeling I know where this whole thing is going… And I just can’t do this…

This causes an even larger issue… Despite the ups and downs we’ve had over the years and the fact that she can be really self absorbed and seems to feel that she needs to be right all the time, she’s still my friend of many years. But if she and Gomez get back together, it’s going to have to come to me giving her an ultimatum… that being that I don’t want to even hear his name mentioned, let alone any bitching or crying about his treatment of her because she’ll have brought this on herself. And if she can’t abide by that, then we can’t be friends because I simply can’t handle this shit anymore. Which I’m sure she’ll ask me to what shit I’m referring and I’ll blow like Krakatoa… I’ve already told her there’s a pattern in her relationships, all of which have been destructive, and she needs to break that cycle. I offered to help her, to help her gain some self confidence (like realizing she can do things on her own without Gomez’s help). So if it comes to that… how do you tell your friend that they’re draining all your energy, that they’re toxic and you don’t want to speak to them as long as they’re in a relationship with an asshat? It sounds shallow…

I’m not sure what to do… I know that you shouldn’t keep toxic people in your life no matter who they are because it hurts you, brings you down and they’re like energy chupacabras… But, by that same token, how can you turn your back on someone who needs help? Then again, if they wanted or even needed your help that badly, you’d think that they would have taken it, right?

Honestly, I wish I would have waited to give Morticia the present I got her at the hippie dippy store when I was last there… I got her a candle for “Inner Peace” and it had a charm tied to it (much like my “Venus Rising” one here) that I told her to make sure she wore all the time. The thing is, those candles aren’t cheap… Actually, they’re pretty expensive and most people would think I was insane for spending so much when I could have just gone out and bought a candle at the Dollar Tree for a buck. But they’re not the same, now, are they…? No, they are not… Scoff if you wish, but it really does help. And at this point I wish I’d have bought myself an “Inner Peace” candle because after all that’s been going on with Morticia the last few days, I sure in the fuck need all the help I can get to achieve some inner peace. I was so close to having some! But yeah, that’s all gone now… It’s been replaced by bang your head against the wall, face palm so hard your hand comes out the back side of your head stress. Some was my own, but Morticia dumped on most of it. I just can’t have this anymore; I really can’t have this… I don’t know what to do.

I went out shopping at this store called At Home and found these My Little Pony figures that are really little… I have a fetish; it’s the only girly toy I ever loved as a kid, so I bought all they had. Cute, huh? Even if they did screw up… Firefly, the pink one with blue hair was not a series one, she was series two and also a Pegasus. The rest are all series one as claimed. Why I know this or why I think you, dear readers, need to know this, I have no fucking idea… All I know is I shop when I feel bad…

I just don’t know anymore… I can’t afford to keep shopping every time that I get stressed or anxious or just feel down in the dumps and need to lift myself out of a funk. It only brings a temporary feeling of happiness anyway and I know that. But sometimes even those few moments of happiness are so precious because of the shit show going on around me that I would break the bank to have them. And now with all the shit going on with Morticia, I have a feeling that going broke may be a real possibility. Or at least it is until I find a solution. So if you have any advice, dear readers, I’d very much appreciate it…

And The Universe Finally Smiles On Jackie Blue… Sort Of…

Yes, dear readers, the universe has FINALLY decided to smile on me! Well… sort of, anyway. I suppose it depends on how you look at it. It’s complicated, so I thought I’d start out with the least complicated part of things to get us started. I got a Gatchaman Pop!!!! Yes, here he is, Condor Joe, sitting next to my glass and cigarettes in all his glory! LOOK AT HIM!!! Isn’t he beautiful?!? Okay, okay… I know I’m going overboard, but it’s so fucking hard to find anything from this anime because they didn’t make much and the quality was bad. The original series ran in Japan from 1972-1974, so you can imagine the lack of products. Hell, even when they Americanized it into Battle Of The Planets (my first introduction) that was 1979? There wasn’t much product then and, much as I loved the show, my mother never bought me anything from it. I did get an old lunch box from Facebook Marketplace, but that’s a story for another time… Anyway, I’ve loved this anime most of my life, so this is an exciting moment!

Okay… if you really want to see a beautiful collectible, it has to be this one…

I think I paid $50 for the set of all 5 main characters on eBay years ago, but it was worth every penny! It’s difficult to see in a picture, but there’s so much detail in this figure that’s maybe only 4 or 5 inches tall. It even came in a decorative package. Needless to say, Joe hasn’t been in that package since the day I got them. He’s stayed out of the box…

I bought a few other collectible figures on eBay as well. I have a set that’s nice but nowhere near as nice as this set (and it was a lot cheaper). I also have a set where they look like little Lego figures that comes with one of the other main characters. As soon as I saw it, I knew I had to have it! Gatchaman in Lego form?! It was hilarious! Once I was done laughing my ass off, I bought the set and I just love it! Sadly, that’s really all I’ve ever found that I thought was worth buying. Or what I could afford, anyway… Like I said, it’s an old anime that has been forgotten except by old farts like me who watched Battle Of The Planets as kids. And since it didn’t gain the popularity of Speed Racer (Mach Go Go Go in Japan), it fell by the wayside and that was that. It always made me sad as it’s a wonderful anime. So any time I hear it mentioned or see it in a magazine or a collectible, I tend to freak out. It happens…

Now, onto the more complicated tale…

If you’ve been reading my weird ass entries for a while, first of all, thank you. Second, you’ll recall the frustrations with my friend Morticia and her asshole boyfriend Gomez. If not, you should really read them. I could write a drama with all the shit that went on… Anyway, this is where the universe really smiled on me. After telling her for, what, maybe the past 5 years that he was using her, he was mentally and emotionally abusive, all he did was take, never give and she should dump him… they FINALLY broke up! For GOOD! Jesus Christ! It’s about fucking time! The downside was having to be comforting and sympathetic (sympathy not being one of my strong suits in the first place) when all I could think was “thank fucking god I won’t ever have to listen to you bitch about how poorly Gomez treats you and have you not take my advice and dump the loser!” I know that sounds harsh, but if you knew the situation, no one would be on his team…

I’m thinking of getting a shirt printed up for Gomez…

So, to give you a good example of what kind of asshole Gomez is… For Christmas, Morticia bought him a $300 weed whacker (which he needed and wanted). He bought her chocolates (which he knows she doesn’t eat), a set of 4 dish towels (of which he kept one) and a Hickory Farms basket… So like $30… But it’s not the price. It’s that he got her things she doesn’t like and things you would buy for maybe your neighbor or boss. Gee, nothing says “I love you” quite like a basket full of smoked meats and cheeses… And the towels send a great message, “Hey bitch, wash my dishes.” His excuse was he couldn’t shop for her because she had to take him. Then stop being cheap and buy a car, you fuck! He really is a cheap prick. He has money, he just won’t spend it, hence the reason he has no car and Morticia had to drive him everywhere. But really, that’s still no excuse. And those gifts send a bad message. Well, that night, they got into a fight and he told her he didn’t love her anymore. Yeah, the meat basket didn’t make that clear… So they’re officially done.

So I’m now free of listening to all the whining and bitching about Gomez, but it comes at a price. And it’s a hefty one…

Morticia has very low self esteem and is very soft hearted. If he would ask her to take him back, she’d be stupid like the other times and do it. I honestly can’t understand… She didn’t even want to ask for the present she gave him back! She said she couldn’t be cold hearted, something she apparently thinks I am at times. Damn right I am! No one would treat me like that… So now I need to toughen her up so she doesn’t cave. Worse, her job got taken over by a new company that’s just horrible and the stress made her snap. Guess who’s been having to play shrink-dink? Yup, it’s been me… And when her family doctor put her on anti-depressants yet again, guess who’s been the one making sure she takes her pill every day? Yup, that’s been me, too. I know she hates the idea and she claims they make her nauseous. But she never takes them consistently, never takes them long enough to adjust and let the side effects go away or let the pills work.

We need a happy break… Have a happy Baxter picture to break up the bleakness. Isn’t he cute? He actually wanted me to take this one!

In any case… I think I have her to the point now where she understands the importance of taking this pill and that she’s been depressed for a long time and has been self medicating with alcohol. The dumbest thing she’s ever said to me was, “What’s the difference if I have one drink every day or I take a pill? I’d rather have a drink.” Oh my god… What fun, trying to give her a lecture on being an alcoholic without telling her she’s an alcoholic and have her get argumentative. I tried talking to her about that before and she got pissed at me. Oh well… I’m sorry, she is an alcoholic. If you don’t want a drink, you need one, you’re an alcoholic. Drink because you want to have a glass of wine with dinner, that’s fine. Hell, I drink, but I do it because I want to have one, not because I need to have one. Morticia has been drinking for years because she needs that drink after work. She makes mixed drinks and puts them in travel mugs and takes them in the car with her. But she’s not an alcoholic… Nope, not her… You know, I want to help her, but I can’t unless she’s willing to admit she has a problem. And I can’t help her with anything, really, unless she’s willing to take the help that’s given.

Still, this is how Morticia is on a regular basis. The upside here is that there’s one less thing she’ll be bitching to me about and that’s Gomez. So yes, the universe is smiling on me in that aspect. It took away one of the stresses she dumps on me every single day.

We need another break in the gloom… so here’s some more puppy love! I don’t often get pictures of Miko because she really hates having her picture taken. I’m sure you can tell because she never looks at the camera… She’ll look you in the eye, no problem. But she knows when you’re going to take a picture and she’s not having it. I think the last time I got her to look at me for a picture was when she was a tiny puppy. Now she’s 12… Sometimes I get sad when I look at her, see all the white hair she’s getting mixed in with the red…

Anyway, I had gone to the craft store the day I took this to get a few supplies and bought a pack of Valentine necklaces. I tried putting one on Baxter, but he kept jumping around and trying to eat it! But Miko, she’s my lady… She loves her bling! I put one on her and looped it through her collar so she wouldn’t get herself caught (it was long on her) and she strutted around like she was queen shit! She was so proud of her bling that I wanted to take a picture, which is the only reason she reluctantly agreed. She’s a funny old girl…

As to why I was at the craft store…

This is the present Morticia got me for Christmas! It’s a paint your own nutcracker! I’m still not sure why she thought I may not like it… Anyone who knows me knows I have a fetish for nutcrackers and I get a new one every year (sadly I only have one I keep out all year because he’s very old and looks like a fisherman, my friend rescued him from getting tossed in the trash). And I’m an artist, so what could be better than making my own? I’ve actually looked at these for years, but they looked kind of cheaply made and were pretty costly for looking so cheap. I think Morticia got this at an outlet store, one I’ve gotten some pretty nice art supplies at for cheap myself. I think he’s supposed to be an elf based on the ears, the nose and the shoes… And the example picture on the box! Did you ever see the movie The Goonies? Remember Sloth? The picture they had on the box looked like Sloth’s retarded cousin… It was so bad! I was bound and determined to make him look like a proper nutcracker and bling him all up! Currently he’s a work in progress… When I took this picture, I had his mouth propped open so the handle was out of my way while I was working on his boots. I still need to figure out what color I want the handle and base, what other designs I want to add to his clothes… I got faux fur for his hair and beard, which I’m also planning to put around the top part of his boots. He’s going to be like an ice king or something to that effect. I don’t know; I was just winging it with the colors. I had to call my mom to see if she had dark blue ribbon because I only had a powder blue, which was too light for his belt, It looked so nice I decided to put it around his cuffs as well. I also told her I want her to make him a cape. I bought tassels for his shoulders, so I think he needs a cape. Hey, I can’t sew for shit… She’s like the queen seamstress. She can do that part. But I think he looks pretty good so far. I’m proud of him!

Okay, I can’t help myself…

Yesterday, while playing Animal Crossing, I decided to remodel Marlo and his roomie Hamphrey’s vacation home, the one I called “The Family Business”. Seriously, look at Marlo. You know they fashioned him after Marlon Brando in The Godfather! And Hamphrey looks like he’d be good muscle, so I moved him in as a roomie. So while they were checking out their newly remodeled place, I got these screenshots that were just too perfect! But… I’ve never seen any of The Godfather movies. So I went on IMDB and looked up some quotes and made this funny little comic of sorts because… Yeah, I don’t know why. Because my brain isn’t right on occasion… My sense of humor is a little bit off, so weird things strike me funny and I just run with it. These pictures struck me funny for some reason. I mean, look at them! It’s like watching The Godfather with fat little hamsters! Hahahaa!

Honestly, Marlo is the running joke in this game. Everyone can tell where they got the inspiration for his character and everyone refers to him as a crime boss. Even funnier, Nintendo’s description of him eludes to the fact that he’s a crime boss and may not exactly be on the up and up and may be engaging in criminal activity. And this is an E for everyone game! Hahahaa!

Well, despite the big shit show that’s still going on in the world (is this COVID shit ever going away?!?) I hope that you’re all having a great start to 2022 so far!

Stay safe, stay healthy… Be kind to each other. And for the love of god, don’t touch anything!!! Seriously, one of you keeps touching something… Stop touching whatever it is so we can resume normal life. Namaste, dear readers!

Welcome To 2022: Don’t Touch Anything…

Seriously, TOUCH NOTHING!!! Maybe if we don’t touch anything, this year will go smoothly… One can hope…

So before I begin, let me first start by paying homage to a remarkable lady, Betty White, who sadly died the morning of New Year’s Eve, just 3 weeks before her 100th birthday. That genuinely made me sad… I actually drank a toast to her that night. We’ll miss you, Betty. The world is mourning your loss.

So… on with today’s program…

Yes, I’m sorry to say I’ll be spamming you with Animal Crossing screen shots… I took quite a few last year as well, but this year was, I think, a lot more impressive. You have to admire all the work and detail these people put into this shit, really… Just look at the fireworks! The colors, the vibrancy… Yeah, I know, it’s only impressive to video game geeks, right? Actually, that’s not necessarily true. I’m not a huge fan of video games of today (I grew up playing Atari 2600 when it was new). But after taking some of those computer animation classes, which are also required if you want to go into game design, you develop an appreciation for how much time and effort these people put into what they do to give you something that looks this spectacular. It took me six hours to make six seconds of animation and a month to make the character and set and it was only a puppet character! What does that tell you?! It’s hard work! Video games are far worse. They need to work with commands, so there’s a lot more work involved in making things move. It really is hard work.

And so I spent my New Year’s multi-tasking… While I was watching the ball drop, I was also ringing in the new year with my little animal friends, here. I did the same thing last year as everyone was stuck at home because of the lockdown and it was really nice. I figured if I couldn’t be with real people, at least I could king of be around something without a fucking hazmat suit.

I wasn’t about to abandon my little animal friends this year. They saw me through a lot of rough times, being trapped at home, not being able to be around people because we were practically prisoners in our own homes… Besides, I don’t go out anyway. I’m getting too old for that shit. I stay home, make a spread of food I can pick at over the course of the evening, watch The Twilight Zone marathon and, if I’m lucky, stay awake long enough to watch the ball drop. Honestly? I had more fun celebrating with my animal friends. Just look how cute they are! Especially my little squirrely “boyfriend”, Marshal. Look how fucking adorable he is! I swear he has a crush on me, the way he talks to me… He pays me a lot of nice compliments all the time. I had a character like that in one of the other games. He used to write me beautiful letters… Hey, it lifts my spirits anyway. But I think the best is the last picture… I caught Zell with that stupid, wide-eyed look on his face that just completely cracked me up! I mean look at him! His expression, his stance… It’s so comical! There were hats, party poppers, sparkling cider and glow sticks (remember this is “E” for “Everyone”)… It was just a lot of fun!

I finally got to try something high class!

But that’s not to say I didn’t have some adult fun… It just means I played drunken Animal Crossing… That was interesting…

As you can see, aside from my mother being a bake-a-holic (which has recently gotten worse and someone needs to take the internet away from her), I got a treat for New Year’s Eve… I’ve always wanted to try Moët & Chandon. Aside from it being held in such high regard, I also wanted to try it because it happens to be the champagne mentioned in the opening line of the song “Killer Queen” (my favorite of their songs). For decades I’ve wanted to try it, but it’s pricey. This particular bottle cost $50! No offense, but for someone who grew up poor and isn’t well off even at this age, that’s a lot of fucking dollars for a bottle of any kind of alcohol. So I just dreamed about it instead… But this year, I actually got to have one night where I got to feel high class. I finally got to drink Moët & Chandon…

I literally shot a video of the entire experience. Hey, when am I going to get that chance again, right?! And yes, I realize that’s a wine glass I have it in, but my champagne flutes are blue and I wanted to see the beautiful color of the champagne, not the shitty blue color of the glasses, so I had to use my wine glasses. Christ, I’ve had these wine glasses since I was in my early 20s! My friend’s mother asked me what I wanted for Christmas one year and I said socks. I wasn’t kidding; I really needed socks. I was forever getting holes in them because I’m hard on footwear. So when she handed me this box, I was perplexed. Here she had gotten me a set of four wine glasses, these, and stuffed a pair of socks in each glass, hahahaa! And I still use the glasses to this day!

As for what $50 champagne tastes like… Hmm, that’s tough, actually. It was a bit like a bitter wine. It was very dry and incredibly bubbly. But very tasty! However, if you haven’t consumed alcohol in a long time because you’re on meds and skip your Klonopin just so you can have one night to enjoy something good, I can tell you that your head will spin pretty good and you’ll turn stupid!

Still not sure I’m happy with the face yet…

Christmas was fairly nice… I received some nice gifts. Once of the best ones was this, a paint your own nutcracker from Morticia! She told me she knew it was me as soon as she saw it, but she kept going past it a few times before she picked it up. Then she kept telling me she didn’t know if I was going to like it and kept asking me to let me tell her what it was. I told her no, I wanted to be surprised and that if she thought it was me I was sure I’d love it. The night we exchanged gifts, she made me promise to tell her honestly what I thought even if I hated it. I’m pretty sure my jaw dropping and the gasp said it all… I had been wanting to get one for years, but they all looked so cheap. I don’t know where she got this one, but he’s really sturdy! So far I sketched on his face and I’m going to stare at it for a long time before I decide whether or not I like it before I paint. I know me; if I jump into it too quick, I’ll decide later that I hate it. So I want to make sure this is what I like first. It’s just a rough sketch so I know what goes where, but I still have to like it first. I’m also going to the craft store to get fluff for hid beard and hair, maybe some bling… He’s going to look like a proper nutcracker by the time I’m done with him. That’s my ultimate goal.

My friend M&M got me some canvas and this cool “make your own comic” book that literally has the pages already made into templates with words balloons and everything! I think it’s for younger kids, but like that matters to me… I can make my own fucking comic in an actual book! I’ve already started working!

In the back of the book, I found this cool page… Interestingly enough, though you can’t see what it says because my hand is covering it, it seems I use all but one part of my right brain and I also use a great deal of my left. Weird, huh? Anyway, so I sent this picture to M&M and asked her which one she wanted to be. I thought of making her the foodie because she loves food and loves trying new foods and restaurants she finds. But she actually liked the first guy, so that’s her and I dubbed her “the giggle box” because we laugh a lot when we’re together. Of course I told her I was dubbing myself “the mad”. She agreed that was me, hahahaa!

You know, much as I appreciate getting art supplies, sometimes it’s a bit meh… My sister got me more canvas, paint and brushes. What she doesn’t know is I already have a ton of canvas from other years. Last year she got me a lot fo weird, unique things that really made me smile (especially the “Poe-kadot socks with Poe heads all over them). Art supplies are nice, but it kind of says, “Yeah, I didn’t put much thought into your gift. I know you like to paint, so I got you stuff to paint.” And actually, I haven’t painted in a long time. I’m just not inspired right now. So yeah…

But that’s okay because last night I have found a new quest for myself…

I was bored, surfing YouTube and came across this video… DID YOU KNOW FUNKO MADE GATCHAMAN POPS?!? Yeah, neither did I! My jaw hit the floor and I could only stare at the screen in awe as I saw that, for the love of all that is holy in anime, FUNKO ACTUALLY MADE GATCHAMAN POPS!!! I couldn’t take my eyes off the Joe Pop… He’s always been my favorite character… So guess who’s going to be spending the better part of their day trying to call whoever I need to and driving wherever I need to go in order to get my mitts on these Pops?! Yeah, the crazy obsessed bitch writing this! Of course we need two of Joe… One needs to be unboxed so I can play with him because… well, I’m just a big kid at heart, I suppose!

Well, dear readers, though I have some interesting tales I could tell… my ass is seriously starting to hurt from sitting on it this long!

So I’ll leave you all here by saying I hope you all had a wonderful and safe holiday and I hope the New Year brings all of us a helluva lot better than the last two years have because they completely fucking sucked monkey balls! COVID needs to go the fuck away! So be careful, dear readers… Touch nothing! For the love of god, be careful when you breathe! One wrong move and we could still be fucked! So yeah… touch nothing… Be on your best behavior. Cross your fingers and toes that we get back to what life once was because we’re all sick of this shit. I hope 2022 will be a good year, but I’m seriously not holding any expectations…

So Here It Is, Merry Christmas

Yeah, I managed to stuff a tree and presents in here…

Is that Train song stuck in your head now…? Or maybe you don’t know “Merry Christmas Everybody“? Go listen and watch the video. I’ll wait…

Now that you’re back and that song will be in your head until next Christmas (you’re welcome, muahahaa), we can begin.

I’m sorry to say, I will be spamming you with fun Animal Crossing scenes or screenshots I took… Well, not all my pictures will be of that, but some. Just my luck, I caught some intestinal bug and have been sick for the past week. Aside from laying on the sofa, curled up in pain and watching Christmas movies and, you know, getting sick, what else was there to do? I played my video game and made a lot of cute Christmas pictures that I then texted to my mother and drove her bat shit insane with…

I know, most of you think this is just a childish game, right? Actually no, you’d be surprised that most of the people who play this are adults. There’s even a YouTube video of an 88 year old grandmother who plays! And I’ve found that children don’t seem very interested to be honest. It’s slow paced and relaxing.

It’s also more than just a game. People have figured out how to go bat shit crazy with their creativity. I saw a YouTube video where someone toured an island that was made up to look like Whoville. And since the dream address was given, I had to go see it for myself. I took about 40 screenshots! I’m not kidding, this place was so creative and amazing, I was blown away! It was literally Whoville created in Animal Crossing!

Pay no attention to the mess behind the tree… This was right after I put it up and I was just shoving things wherever I could to make room for the behemoth. It’s one of those Balsam Hill ones and they’re a lot bigger in girth than they look in pictures.

Surprisingly, I just wasn’t feeling it this year.. That’s happened on occasion. Some years I’m so maniacal about it and I go a little crazy to the point that, when you walk into my house, it’s like walking into one of those Christmas Village places. You know the places I mean… There isn’t a square inch that isn’t covered with something that just screams Christmas. I actually was excited at first, but by the time I started decorating, I simply didn’t feel like making it such a grand thing anymore. I’ve had a few years like that… There were years where you were lucky I put up a tree. It goes way beyond holiday blues and into this bottomless pit of depression. The weird thing is that I have no idea what causes it. I’m usually fine until the time comes to do the actual decorating. That’s when it all of a sudden runs me over like a freight train. I wouldn’t say that’s what happened this year because it really wasn’t. Actually, I was feeling pretty good otherwise. I got my shopping done early, put a lot of thought into people’s gifts, actually had money to afford good gifts this year… I don’t know.

Sadly, I didn’t have room for all my nutcrackers this year… I must have over two dozen and with all the other decor I’ve been acquiring, there was just no room, so I only put out the ones that are key to the ballet. And, unfortunately, some really weird and some downright ugly decorations.

I believe it was last year when my mother decided to clean out her basement and brought me up boxes and boxes of decorations that used to belong to my grandmother, claiming she no longer had room for them and thought I might like them. Look at those angels… It’s not that she didn’t have room; she probably thought they were creepy. I haven’t seen these since I was little, which was the same with everything in those boxes with the exception of the ceramic letters that spell “noel”. She always put those out… To be honest, I don’t mind these angels (they have an interesting look) or the stacked snowmen candle holder. What I hate are the ugly ass angels that are sitting in front of my television. Christ on a mountain, are they ugly! But I put them out… She may not appreciate who owned them, but I do.

And, if you’re like me and you own cats, you know that you’re going to have live decorations every year at Christmas…

Sebastian was actually the first one under the tree. He didn’t even wait until it was in place and had a tree skirt before he was under it. Haiku at least had the decency to wait until it was shoved back in its spot and had a tree skirt… Even now, when there are presents under the tree and there is absolutely no room for her ample, pear shaped ass, she still manages to find a way to crawl over presents and jam herself under the tree. You can tell by that smug look on her face that she’s flat out telling you she plans to be an asshole… Cats are jerks, I don’t care what the fuck Jackson Galaxy says. They’re not always bored. Some cats are just fucking jerks. I’ve lived with them 44 years; I should know.

It’s actually been a really rough month… I’ve had some financial issues that required a lot of back and forth calls and me flipping shit on people… How hard is it to do your job and make sure people get paid?! Do you think people live on nothing?! You think I’m going to get by on my good looks?! Yeah, that and a token might get me on the bus… I’m dating myself by using that expression, but it fits the situation… On top of that, I had Morticia calling me constantly, bawling about how much she hates her job. One day she called to ask me if I had an extra room because she was going to lose everything she had and started bawling. Her paycheck was just sent to the wrong place and was already sent back out! Is she really that self absorbed?! She knew my situation. She knew I had no idea when the fuck my money was coming in and it had already been almost a month. How dare she cry to me?! And all the shit with “Mommy Dearest”… So I bought myself something pretty and cheerful to brighten my place up a little bit. Aren’t they nice?

I also got another interesting type of cheer… While at the mall, I saw this stand with all sorts of candles. The man running it makes them himself and he has all designs and scents. He had pies, jams, sodas, mixed drinks, all of which smelled like the real deal (the piña colada one really made me miss drinking) and looked amazing! But it was the Merlot I smelled first. I wanted to get a few more things for my sister and she and her boyfriend are wine drinkers, so I thought what better candle for her than one that looks and smells like a real glass of Merlot? No lie, it smells like the real thing. He only had two left, so I decided to snag them both. I’m a candle fanatic myself and this was one I couldn’t pass up. It smells fantastic and it looks so beautiful when it burns. It cost me $15 per candle, but for the scent and the fact that they burn for 80 hours? I can’t complain… Besides, my sister is so hard to buy for. She alone makes an obscene amount of money. If she wants it, she just buys it herself. So I need to get creative. One year I got her a journal who’s cover looked like Han Solo frozen in carbonite (she’s a big Star Wars fan also). Practical and fun! Last year one of the things I got her was a Simon LeBon Pop! figure (he was her favorite in Duran Duran). This year one item is a coffee mug with Darth Vader that says “Merry Sithmas”… You see where I’m going with this, right? I get her a bunch of little unusual things…

Speaking of my sister… I actually managed to get her and her boyfriend to come here for a bit on Christmas Eve! They can’t stay long because her one dog fell very ill the day after Thanksgiving and she needs constant care, but I’m happy they’re coming. Now, whether I feel up to it or not, I need to clean house and I only have a few days. GAH! Wish for that Christmas miracle because I’m going to need it!

And so, dear readers, I’ll leave you with a Christmas card of sorts, from me to all of you… Just some of the silly scenes I cooked up in my game, but I thought they were cute. My mother told me I could use them for Christmas cards which, had I made them earlier, I probably would have… So I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday, enjoy yourselves, love one another and I’ll see you on the flip side. Peace and love this holiday season! – Jackie Blue

And Suddenly The Whole World Has Gone Nucking Futs…

When I was in elementary school, all the 4th grade classes were taken to see the local yokel version of The Nutcracker (remember, I live in bumblefuck). My sister, who is five years my senior, had a classmate and friend who danced in it and her brother was in my class. He and I sat together and marveled as we watched her. I was in love with that ballet ever since…

Sadly, I’ve never gotten to see it live again… I have, however, watched it on television. There used to be a channel Dish Network had called Ovation and every year in December they would have “The Battle of the Nutcrackers”. They would show various ballet troops performing the same ballet and you could go online and vote for your favorite. Sadly, they ditched that channel and I haven’t seen it in years. But thanks to the magic of the Fire Stick, I was able to buy the ballet from Amazon! They had a lot to choose from, but I’m partial to the Russian performers myself. I mean, it’s originally Russian; they seem to take more pride in performing it.

Bolshoi… You want to watch The Bolshoi Ballet…

So, here’s where it get’s more than a little weird…

As I’m desperately trying to find the Bolshoi version, I was also looking at the others listed just in case I couldn’t find it and needed to choose another and, in the process, skimming over the descriptive blurbs they had written. One had actually used the term “budding sexuality” when referring to Clara… WHAT?!? Excuse me, but… What kind of crack were you smoking at the time when you wrote that and why aren’t you sharing because it’s obviously some good shit… Good god! The story was written back during a time when young girls (Clara is a pre-teen at best) didn’t even know about sex! Hell, my great aunt told me the first time she got her period, her mother told her to go ask her sister (my grandmother) because, apparently, in the 1920s, moms didn’t like to explain it once let alone multiple times! How the fuck do you get “budding sexuality” from The Nutcracker?! What I get from it is a young girl’s silly, romantic ideas of what falling in love will be like, dreams young girls used to have… Or they did when I was one… Or maybe I was just weird (because I’m not that old…)

And just when you think people couldn’t get any fucking stupider…

Last night I was engaged in a conversation about music (one of my favorite subjects) and David Bowie came up in topic. While I was rattling off some of my favorite of his tunes, I made mention to one particular song in the movie Labyrinth, “As The World Falls Down”. Of course no one knew which song I was referring to even when I described the scene, so I whipped out my phone, opened YouTube and played it.

Then I did a bad thing and read through the comments… Some jackass actually went off on a tangent (trying to sound intellectual and failing miserably with all the misspellings and missed words) on how this movie was about Sara trying to regain the innocence she had lost and that Jareth, the Goblin King, was grooming her because he was in in love with her, blah blah blah… And he actually had a few idiots agree with him! Thankfully there was one person who pointed out why he was a fucktard so I didn’t have to do it myself. Good thing… I wasn’t really in the mood.

I really don’t know why people always have to read something nasty and sexual into innocent things… Nothing happened to Sara in her past; she was never molested. Her only problem was that she was immature and overly dramatic. She hated that her father and stepmother wanted her to be responsible for one fucking night and babysit her infant half-brother, Toby. Which you can clearly see when she pitches a hissy, tells Toby she hates him and says, “I wish the goblins would come and take you away, right now.” And then they do… which is when she first meets Jareth, the Goblin King, who tells her to go back to her room and play with her toys, forget about the baby. But Sara can’t do that… She suddenly feels that sense of responsibility. So Jareth gives her the opportunity. She has thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth or Toby will remain his. Sara faces a lot of trials and tribulations, a lot of setbacks, and a lot of fuckery on Jareth’s part. He does whatever he can to stop her, including changing time so she has less of it, enlists the help of one of the inhabitants to mislead Sara, all to detain her, but she keeps pushing on. She’s learning to be responsible and, in the end, realizes that doesn’t mean she has to completely give up all of her childish things all the time just because she has to grow up a little.

The scene in question, which this still was taken from, was the masquerade ball scene…

Sara (Jennifer Connelly) was in really life about 14 or 15 when this movie was made (the same age I was at the time). And, as you can see, David Bowie held her very respectfully as they danced since she was a minor. As for the storyline of Jareth conditioning Sara… That wasn’t the case. The “poison” peach he’d had one of the other characters give to her wasn’t to ruffie her. It was, however, meant to detain her. But, by that point in the movie, Jareth was falling in love with Sara. So he trapped her inside a pleasant place, gave her a romantic fantasy to forget all about finding Toby. Mind you, I said romantic, not sexual. Nothing about this scene or the movie was sexual at all or conditioning of any kind. Usually conditioning consists of being nice and then turning asshole. Jareth did it backward. When he finally professed his love, he made sure he pointed out all he’d done just for her benefit and that he was exhausted from living up to her expectations of him. He told her all he wanted was for her to stay, let him love her and he would be her slave. That’s groveling, not conditioning. And she spurned him in the end because she realized that wasn’t what she wanted.

Honestly, this is pretty much why I deleted my Instagram, my Twitter and don’t go on Facebook. Actually, that would be gone as well, but I have friends in other countries and it’s free to call them through Facebook, so… But the point is, I seriously just can’t deal with the fucktards anymore. For Christ’s sake, have these people nothing better to do than to make characters in G and PG movies victims of some horrible, repressed sexual assault when they were a child when no such thing occurred? Have they nothing better to do than to look at an innocent romantic delusion of a teenage girl an say, “Oh shit, look man, he’s grooming her! What an asshole!” Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with these people?! These movies were made back during a time when that wasn’t a topic in films, get over yourselves! I mean, did I write a post likening the kids in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory to the seven deadly sins? Yeah, for shits and giggles… It was just one of my musings I decided to write down. And you can’t tell me that Augustus kid wasn’t gluttony, hahahaa!

So I shall leave you something funny after my tirade…

While playing Animal Crossing yesterday, I had an interesting conversation with Wolfgang. He’s a grumpy type villager, the type that acts like an old duffer who’s baffled by newfangled technology. This time he was speaking, obviously, of a Roomba. His whole issue was that some people can’t afford to have floors and only have dirt floors (in this day and age, I think that only applies if you live in North Korea). That’s when the conversation took an interesting turn. After the first screen shot, here, I literally sat here for two minutes just staring at my Switch, blinking dumbly, because the thought never occurred… Wolfgang had literally blown my mind for a good solid two minutes. What the actual fuck! Yes, a video game character blew my mind so bad I could only sit and stare at the screen… That’s actually kind of sad… But give that some thought. If you had a dirt floor, would the Roomba ever stop?! I’m telling you, it’s going to be the new “what’s the sound of one hand clapping” or “if a tree falls in the woods and no one’s there to hear, does it make a noise”. Give it time; it’ll catch on…

Been Away, Haven’t Seen You In A While…

How’ve you been? Have you changed your style and do you think that we’ve grown up differently? Don’t seem the same. Seems you’ve lost your feel for me…

Wow sorry, I just totally had that song “We Just Disagree” in my head thanks the the first part of my title and my brain just kind of ran with it… But I’d like to think you guys are used to my eccentricities by now. Right…?

Anyway… Things have been really stressful for me lately and I’ve either been losing myself in my writing (because we all need our fantasies) or playing Animal Crossings because it’s a cute little escape. Prepare for spam, my friends…

I’ve had some rather big stresses come up along with the stresses I’ve been working on with “Dr. Phil” (I still think that’s funny) in therapy. Like huge, major stresses… One of the worst was having to have plumbers come to fix my leaky tub, which would have eaten up most of the money I’d saved for Christmas, then they broke something they had to try to get out and the amount was suddenly doubled! I didn’t have that kind of money and now didn’t have a working shower. So I had to do what I hate… I had to ask my sister for help. Imagine my surprise when she not only sent her handy man over to look at it, but she’d already paid him to fix it and buy the supplies. Now I feel like shit… I hate to have to ask for help…

My Animal Crossing photo shoot, hahahaa…

There were other major stresses (that thankfully came and went), but I’m still having stress over my mother. It’s… complicated. Dr. Phil asked me last time if I ever spoke to her about how I felt. I had a few times and he asked what had happened when I did and what would happen if I spoke to her over the current irritation. I told him she would belittle me and treat me as if my feelings weren’t valid. That’s what she’s always done. The closest I’ve ever gotten to an apology from her was, “I know I haven’t been the greatest mother; I’ll never say I was.” Well… I guess that sums it up… I actually gave him some examples of conversations we’d had over the years, the responses I’ve gotten… It’s pretty sad when your therapist tells you not to talk to your mother about what she did or said that hurt you because the response would only add more fuel to your fire. Literally, that’s what he said to me. He’s right, you know… That’s why I don’t talk to her about things. I did, however, talk to my sister. Amazingly, I think she gave me a good perspective. My mother got married right out of high school (she was knocked up), never had the chance to grow up and never has. She also told me that, had she not met her late husband, she thinks she would have never gotten out of that house, either. Imagine, a woman raises you to be so independent, then desperately holds onto you to take care of her…

They had a guitar case you can wear! Oh yeah!

So I’m already on the fence about how I fee about my mother… I feel bad if I think I hurt her or think badly of her. But then the other part of my brain kicks in and yells at me and asks why I should feel bad, after how she’s treated me and allowed the Sponge to treat me all these years, she doesn’t deserve me feeling bad for her or one of the fucking tears I’ve shed. And it’s like that in my brain all the time…

The Friday before Thanksgiving she really hurt me and didn’t even bat an eye about it… See, when I lived at home (and finally got my own home) my mother would trust me to make the family recipe for filling (or stuffing as some of you call it) because I was always in the kitchen with her and I had learned to make it. She trusted me to do it right and make it as my grandmother always had (though the recipe probably goes back further than that). But my sister? If we ate at her house, my mother would make the filling herself and take it over for my sister to bake because, no offense, my sister never could cook. And she had never spent time in the kitchen like I did to learn these things as I did. Considering that my mother thought my sister was so mother fucking wonderful in every single aspect of life (which I know isn’t my sister’s fault, it’s my mom’s), I always felt a little superior when it came to filling. I was allowed to make it; my sister was not allowed to do so. I’m sure you can imagine how pissed and hurt I was when she told me that Friday that she had been letting my sister make it for the past several years… Um… excuse me?! So in that one simple sentence, she took away the only thing that ever made me feel superior and special compared to my sister. I was devastated…

While telling Phil how all this made me feel. he told me not to worry. I hadn’t participated in family meals in 15 years. You come to my house or you don’t; I don’t care. He told me to go home and make the best filling I’ve ever made this year. And… this happened… I’ve never had filling rise up out of the dish like this. Same dish, I did nothing different… But let me tell you, it was the best tasting filling I’ve ever made. I showed my mother the picture and she was impressed it rose like it did. She also said she would take some (like I’d eat this whole dish) and told me, “It was GOOD!” Not only that, the Sponge said it was really good as well. So guess who retains their title of Queen of Filling…? Yeah, I do, thank you very much… I guess my subconscious took Phil’s advice very literally.

Since I was feeling so good about the whole regaining my superiority over filling making thing (this was also before those asshats came and broke my fucking shower and wanted to charge me almost a grand to fix it), I decided to put up my tree as I always do after Thanksgiving. Excuse the mess in the background… I finally broke down last year and, since I had the money, replaced the tree that was falling apart and bought a Balsam Hill one. I got the semi-realistic, but you’d never know to look at it. It’s so beautiful! Of course I said it just had to be the six and a half foot full one. No skinny trees here, nope… So the issue with a really fat ass tree is that I have little room to put it. So I just shove everything in the dining room (the mess you see in the background) so I can get the tree up and put in place. I hope… This year it was being difficult and just didn’t want to fit like last year. What the fuck… Still, it looks so cheerful, don’t you think?

Of course it would probably look a lot better without the “wall o’ Pops!”, as I like to call it, behind it. It all started with a Disney’s Robin Hood Pop! figure because I just love that movie; it’s my favorite. Now I have so many Pop! figures it looks like I live in Hot Topic… They’re on top of that bookshelf, my other bookshelf, on my shelves in my art area in the bedroom, packed away in boxes in the basement… It’s insane.

I do have one lament in all this… I don’t have room for all my Nutcrackers this year…

I… kind of have a problem with Nutcrackers… And when I say I have a problem, I mean I have a problem. Have you ever been in a store and they have displays of Nutcrackers where it forms a sort of Nutcracker pyramid? Yeah, I could probably do that if I would have shelves built. And every year I buy at least one more for some dumb reason. I always find one that I fall in love with. This year it’s one I found at Hobby Lobby… He’s a pirate! Yeah, I know, that’s got nothing to do with the story… Not to fear, I do have the Magician, the Mouse King, the Nutcracker Prince… Trust me, I wasn’t about to not have the ballet played out in my collection. But I had no room for all of them this year, so I only put out the most important. I’m actually quite sad about this…

And if you’re wondering about those ugly ass angels, well… Honestly they’re not as ugly as the other ones I have sitting in front of the TV at the moment. My mother had all these decorations that were my grandmother’s that she no longer put out so she gave them to me. These angels are okay looking… So are some of the other ancient decorations. But those ones in front of the TV?! Good god… You don’t want to know what I’d like to do to their fugly asses…

Sadly, due to some major stressors and the bullshit with my mom, I’ve just kind of isolated myself and hung out with my little animal friends… They’re very sweet to me and always make me smile. One day Marshal asked me if anyone told me I looked stunning in the windbreaker I was wearing. My thought was, “Marshal, no one has ever told me I look stunning period!” Yesterday Kabuki visited and I actually got some really nice pictures of his usually gruff and grumpy ass smiling and we were bopping to my latest and current favorite song, “K.K. Break” (it’s so 70s and retro sounding). It’s a nice escape and a good way for me to relax when everything around me seems to be falling apart or just becoming too overwhelming. It’s great relaxation therapy.

Always blurry when trying to hold psycho dog still…

Well, my friends, I think I’ll leave you with an early Christmas present… Holy shit, I’m sharing my ugly ass mug again! Hahahaa!

I really wish I could have gotten a clearer picture, but it’s so hard to get any clear pictures that involve “psycho dog”, here… Baxter used to take cute selfies with mommy. Now he’s usually so wired for sound he couldn’t sit still if you gave him a shot of curare… If you don’t know what that is, why are you reading this?! Go watch Gilligan’s Island! Seriously, and they say television isn’t educational… Anyway, I just love my little goober and decided I wanted a selfie with him. Besides, it was one of those days when I gave a fuck. Holy shit… Yes, I gave a fuck and did my makeup and hair, dressed nice… I wish I had days like that more often, but I don’t. Usually my days consist of depression and refusing to get up off the sofa and my pajamas and I being one and the same. That’s sad…

It’s Been A Bumpy Ride…

Before I get started… I’d just like to say thank you to all of you, my dear readers! 76 of you! I don’t think I’ve ever had more than like maybe 6 people give a shit what I have to say in my whole life… So thank you so much! Drinks are on me!

I also have other good news… I had to see my cardiologist two days ago. I was so anxious that my entire upper back went into spasm. Not because I was worried about the results of that monitor I wore; they already told me they were fine. Last time I was there everyone was running behind and he was a dick to me. This time he was a sweet guy again, which was good. So that’s the good news. He wasn’t a dick and my monitor results were the best he’s ever seen. Still no idea why my EKG showed I was getting less oxygen… He said maybe I’m just weird, hahaa! I don’t doubt that… He was very glad my GP upped my cholesterol meds (my bad cholesterol went up a bit). The bad news is that the one I’m on is the statin of choice because it has no side effects. If this doesn’t work, my GP will have to put me on Lipitor and one of the side effects is muscle tightening. Mind you, this was after I told him about all my back issues as of late, so he’s hoping the one I’m on does the trick because god knows I don’t need anything that will cause spasms. As for my other symptoms… The dizziness is probably because my BP is so low from all my other meds.

You’re probably wondering what’s with all the Animal Crossing New Horizons spam…

Don’t feel bad; I’ve been spamming my mother with these pictures as well. Literally… I take them from my Switch and send them to my phone so I can text her all these pictures. She liked the Halloween ones, though. Actually, she thinks they’re all really cute and I get very creative sometimes. Anyway… November 4th they dropped this huge new update and the following day, a downloadable add on to the game was ready to play (which you know I spent the $25 for). I… haven’t really been off my Switch unless I’ve had to go somewhere. And really, where was I going to go?! I’m still having a lot of issues despite the “fun” exercises the physical therapist I had to go see gave me to do. They don’t really help. If I want any relief, and it’s not much, I have to just lay here on my heating pad. What the fuck else am I going to do besides that? Stare at the walls? Rack my brain trying to figure out what movies I should search for on the Fire Stick (then be disappointed when no one is streaming them… and no, I didn’t just say I hacked my Fire Stick like everyone else…)? Trust me, that was getting really old… Even reading and working on my needlepoint got boring.

But thankfully Nintendo had this huge update in the works fans anxiously waited for for weeks. It was worth the wait to see all the cool new stuff you can do, new furniture, new actions and poses your little character can do (see last picture here for reference; little goobers were following my moves at the beach party like we were a fucking cult). We can cook foods, now, farm veggies… And every time I watched a video telling us about all the cool new content we were getting, I was excited and feeling a sense of dread at the same time. I was so looking forward to all this new stuff, but then it suddenly occurred… I’m going to need to terraform my entire fucking island… again… Seriously, I just got it the way I liked it, got all the villagers I was happy with, then they throw out all this shit that means I need to replan my entire island and, unfortunately, I needed to boot a villager to get one of the new ones I wanted. But it’s okay, I got her a vacation home on the other island. Still, I was sad when Annalise left…

It’s the only thing that’s been helping me keep my sanity while I’ve been laid up all this time… I mean really, I went through every season of House, watched every movie I could think of that had some kind of creepy Halloween or thriller vibe… I couldn’t take it anymore.

I’ve gone out a few times (I’ve gotten rides, of course, because I don’t know if I can sit comfortably in a car). I have to say, it’s not a fun experience. One day I had to go to the mall to buy a few new shirts and my back was killing me. Even going to the cardiologist was too much. My upper back was spazzing out, so I went down the street to one of my favorite hippie-dippy stores to get some relaxation. No lie, the vibe in there was so great that it was only a few minutes before my upper back stopped spasming. My lower back, however, was a different story… Soon after I got in there, I noticed the song playing on the radio was A Flock Of Seagulls “Space Age Love Song” my favorite of theirs. Literally, I go ape over that song to this day (and I still think the guitarist is cute, the crush continues). I tried swaying just a little to the music and my lower back said, “Fuck you, Jackie, you’re nuts!”I was pretty disheartened by this… And by the end of my shopping trip, I actually had to sit down before I could leave and get back in the car, it was so bad.

Today I have to go see my new psychologist, Phil (hahaa, Dr. Phil…) and I’m going to attempt to drive myself and walk down all those long hallways. This should be very interesting, to say the least. I’m not exactly sure I’m up to the challenge, especially since it’s raining, but I’ll try…

Damn it… Now “Space Age Love Song” is running through my head… I better get my iTunes up…

Years ago, when I was 10 and my friend was 12, my mother was going to buy tickets for us to go see A Flock Of Seagulls in concert (that’s great parenting, right?) Hey, it was the 80s; people didn’t think. Anyway, they didn’t sell enough tickets and had to cancel. I was crushed…

A few years ago, they came out with a new album, all their songs performed with an orchestra and my snobby sister sent me the YouTube link for the video of my favorite song and told me they were giving a free concert about two hours from me! But it’s unfamiliar territory and I don’t highway drive, so I begged the only person I knew to take me who said no because it was a dangerous area. In the middle of the fucking day?!? I pleaded so badly… I actually have the picture record jacket for that 45rpm and I said maybe I could get it autographed, maybe I could get pictures with the band and I explained how I missed that chance years ago. Nope… I couldn’t find one person who was willing to drive with me to go see an old, underrated band from the 80s who had the most marvelous tunes and a guitarist I had the biggest crush on (who was only 9 years my senior, mind you). I think I’ve lost my chance forever… Ah well… Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Besides, talking about this has made me realize something. I’m fucking old! When did that happen?!

Finally got a cute shot of me and Punchy!

Okay, I’m now listening to “Space Age Love Song”… It was making me nuts…

Anyway, back to the subject… One thing I love about this game is that it’s a good outlet for my creativity, especially since we can now redecorate our villager’s homes (which is easier and cheaper than redecorating mine and I don’t throw out my back like I did laying carpet). Punchy, my favorite, was first because I hated his house. It was ugly! Now it looks nice and I finally managed to get a super cute picture with him!

So all this interior decorating and whatnot has sparked my creativity again, thank god… When I went to the hippie-dippy store the other day, I noticed she had paintings up for sale… Ugly ass paintings… I don’t understand abstract shit… Anyway, I asked her if she would possibly display some of mine and she eagerly said yes! In fact, I showed her one of the digital paintings I did (a hippie-dippy one) and she went nuts over it! She told me to get some of my stuff together and bring it in the next time I come over and she’ll put it up and see what happens. I’m so excited!

She’s super nice… She wants to help support local artists to try and get them a break. That’s what I really need. Wouldn’t that be incredible if I could actually sell some of my work, like for more than just a few bucks? Then I could truly call myself an artist! And the fact that I wouldn’t be a starving one would just be gravy!

Imagine that… I may be able to be a real artist and make real money off my work… Holy shit… I mean yeah, my main goal is to just make people happy with my work, but money is kind of a necessity. And to be able to be successful at what I do… That’s been a dream of mine my entire life. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get my wish…

Ah, what a fun day ahead of me… I get to go talk to “Dr. Phil” about all the things my parental figures did to fuck my crazy ass up all these years…

Sometimes I think therapy is a joke… I’ve been in therapy off and on since I was 17 and I haven’t found any peace or gotten any better in all these 30+ years. But my new therapist seems pretty okay right now. We shall see…

Still, the best therapy is going out, digging in the dirt, growing things and soaking up some sunshine and fresh air. So… that’s my homework for you, dear readers. Go give yourself some free therapy. Dig in the dirt, plat things… Get some fresh air and sunshine. Soak it all in and enjoy every single moment of it. I promise, you’ll feel better. And if my back wasn’t a fucked up mess, I’d join you.

Until next time, stay trippy, all my little hippies out there. Be kind to yourselves, love life and figure out how to let that shit go. And, if you can figure out how to let that shit go, be sure to let me know so that I can do the same.

Namaste!

Go Home, October; You’re Drunk

What did I say last time about bad things happening in October…? I wasn’t wrong; it’s done it again, I’m sorry to say…

My back had just healed and I had enlisted some muscle to help me move my big pieces of furniture to lay out a beautiful piece of carpet that covers my entire living room (which I got cheap at a bargain outlet). I was planning on moving lightweight items as my back had just recovered and, wouldn’t you know, the first thing I pick up (which weighed all of 2 pounds) and my sacroiliac joint went pow… It’s happened a few other times, but this was different somehow. So I popped a naproxen so I could still function and kept going. Poor Anakin… He’s known me all my life and he could tell I was hurting so bad. And by 6:30, I was in tears and got a ride to the hospital’s emergi-care where some guy who just wanted to go home gave me a shot for pain (which did nothing) and a script for muscle relaxers.

What a fun week it was… I literally piled up pillows to put myself in homemade traction. Muscle relaxers, low dose steroids, Vicodin, Tramadol, lidocaine patches… Nothing helped. The heating pad helped a little, but not enough. I knew something wasn’t kosher when narcotic pain killers didn’t do shit to kill the pain. On the 5th day after the incident, I called my family doctor because the pain was no longer shooting down the back of my leg, it was moving into my hip. I was desperate. She suggested I call an orthopedic which is also when she prescribed the Tramadol to see if it would help until I got in to see one. So I called the local hospital and told them I didn’t care how far away I had to travel, I had to see one the next day because I couldn’t deal any longer.

I was in luck; I got an appointment at the orthopedic office at the hospital. Of course I had to get a ride there… The pain in my hip was so bad I had to walk with a cane…

So after a series of incredibly painful X-rays (stand sideways and bend forward and backward, because that almost works) the doctor I saw told me from how my vertebrae were aligned, he could tell my whole back was in spasm. News to me since I only felt pain in that little joint area which was the size of the tip of my index finger. Literally, that’s all the bigger the pain area was, but it ran so deep… He also told me I had mild scoliosis, which I kind of knew. I’ve had a slight curvature to my spine they found when I was in my late 20s. Last time I had X-rays, it was a slight scoliosis. Now it’s mild. I could see it looked worse, which I found a bit upsetting. No one wants to think about their spine just turning into more and more of a question mark when you look at it from the back. Then he dropped the bomb… I have degenerative arthritis in the lower lumbar vertebrae… I asked him what that meant and he didn’t seem too concerned as he said it takes years to develop and years to only make perhaps a millimeter of difference. Still, from now on, this will keep happening (I assume with more frequency the older I get) and I have to be cautious when I’m doing things because you don’t know when it’ll get set off and what will do it. So his instructions were to lay around all weekend and do nothing except relax on the heating pad, take muscle relaxers and higher dose steroids and I’d feel better in three to five days. And I need physical therapy…

Probably not a great idea to watch this when I did…

I actually cried at some point… It’s so difficult sometimes. I’ve had bad knees since I was 19 which have gotten worse over all these years. And everything has gotten worse since I went through surgical menopause. It’s funny… I used to hate running laps in high school and now I would give anything to be able to run. Or even walk without pain. My mind and my spirit feel 16 on a good day; it wants to run, to dance like I used to when I went clubbing (even if it’s just in my house), to exercise, to be able to clean my house properly. But as soon as I want to do these things, my body constantly reminds me that my mind and spirit may feel 16, but it feels about 116… It’s frustrating. Other people my age have aches and pains, sure. But not like this. And it fucking sucks…

So fun times for me over the weekend… I literally laid around like a lump and watched movies on the Fire Stick… Since Halloween was coming, I Googled a list of horror/thriller movies and watched all the ones that sounded pretty good. Surprisingly, I did find a shit ton of awesome movies I never saw before or ones I thought looked stupid in previews (Fantasy Island was better than my biased mind expected; I just couldn’t see it without Ricardo Montalbán). And, since I do like M. Night Shyamalan movies with their bizarre plot twists, I decided to watch this movie called Old… Probably not the best choice of movies when I’m feeling incredibly old… Oddly enough, I think it made me feel better I think. The characters in the movie go to a beautiful resort and a select handful are told about this beautiful secret beach. Only certain guests are told and taken there and it doesn’t take long for them to find out why. There’s something about the beach, perhaps something about the magnetism in the rock walls surrounding it, that cause time to move faster and speed up the aging process. Worse, they can’t leave… When they do, they end up blacking out. So these poor people literally age 50 years in a day, which really sucks for the kids. They didn’t even get to grow up properly. I guess it made me see I shouldn’t complain.

But on the upside, I have had other things to keep me occupied in my laid up state…

I hadn’t played my Animal Crossing New Horizons game in several months because it had gotten a bit boring, to be honest. My island was how I wanted it to look (for the most part), I had all the villagers I loved best and I’d already been there and done that since I’d been playing it for over a year. But then I found out there was going to be a huge update coming. And when I say huge, I mean crazy ass huge! This is the last major update and it’s so big it’s unfathomable! They’re adding so much new content, new things you can do… Honestly, I was so excited for all the things you can do with this new update that my creative mind went into overdrive! It gets released November 5th, so I decided that I better start playing again to get back in the groove and start saving up money for all the new furniture items and other interesting things.

And as soon as I started playing again, I realized I had a major issue… They added so much more stuff that I’m literally going to have to terraform my entire island… again… Do you have any idea how many hours, how much thought and in-game currency I’ve spent to make my island look exactly how I wanted it to look?! Do you have any idea the blood, sweat and tears that went into all this?! Now I’m getting bombarded with all this new stuff and I’m literally losing my mind because all I can think of is where in the happy ass fuck am I going to make room to farm more vegetables other than fucking pumpkins?! And gyroids are returning, but they come in broken pieces you have to bury, water and dig up the following day. Where am I going to have room for that?!?

Not to mention the fact that the amount of currency I have in the bank, while ridiculous (I wish my real bank account looked like that), isn’t going to be good enough. It costs to tear down staircases and bridges, build new ones (which are crazy expensive), move homes (also crazy expensive) and now the characters that would visit your island will have their own area on a separate island (that’s been there from the beginning) but guess who has to fund their little trailers so they can open up shop? You guessed it; I do… I’m so not prepared for any of this shit, I’m really not. I wish Nintendo would have told us this months ago so we could have started saving then already. Or, better yet, make things not cost so much in game that we need to save an insane amount just to do what we’d like to do to make our islands look like paradise.

In the meantime, I’ll leave myself with this message…

Well… what else can I do, right? I’ll muddle through all this shit and eventually my back will chill the fuck out and I’ll be me again. I hope… At least until the next time I’m doing nothing strenuous and it just decides to have a massive moment on me.

At this point, however, I’d really appreciate it if you guys could send some positive, healing vibes. I’m seriously bored out of my fucking skull just sitting here in traction, doped up on muscle relaxers and pain killers and watching television. And sleeping… That shit makes me do a lot of sleeping. Just send them all care of this blog.

My back will thank you for it!

The Paranoia Strikes Back

It is still in my head. It probably always will be…

Currently, I’m sitting here, propped up by a bunch of pillows, because my back is in spasm. Is it because I slept wrong? Maybe… Is it because I have to go see a new psychologist today and I’m nervous about it because I don’t like psychologists? I’m sure that’s some of it… Or is it because I had a pain in my abdomen this morning and my mind just completely freaked the fuck out over it?

If you guessed the latter, you’re probably right…

It was probably nothing more than a painful bubble passing through and, if it were any other month of the year, I would have thought nothing of it. But it’s October… Much as I’ve always loved this month, for the last 15 years, it’s also brought the worst feelings of fear and panic. You see, 15 years ago, I suffered from an ovarian torsion in the beginning of October. Oh, I’d had mild symptoms for months, which several doctors simply passed off as IBS. But then that night, when I was at work, my ovary twisted due to a cyst. I managed to get home before it ruptured and still waited about 8 hours until the pain was so bad I had to go to the hospital and learned what happened. The entire event was incredibly traumatizing, mainly because the pain was so bad I was wishing for death to make it stop (bleeding internally really hurts).

To add insult to injury, I began developing symptoms on the other side the same month the following year. I had to push the doctors to do tests and, well, their jobs, actually. Everything was exactly the same. They found a small cyst (I’m sure the first one started out small before it grew to fist size) and when the pain got worse, I pushed for laparoscopic surgery. Good thing I did. Had I waited, that one would have been a torsion also. It was 4 days shy of being exactly one year after I lost the first ovary when I lost the second.

Ever since then, I’ve had a major paranoia about any and every kind of unusual abdominal pain, but only in October. In fact, one October, several years after losing the second ovary, I was feeling so ill and had some horrible abdominal pain. Off to the emergency room I went. Good thing I did; they found a mass on my pancreas. Thankfully it was only a harmless cyst, but still…

In many ways, I feel like I suffer from PTSD from just that one event. I’m sure many of you would think that wouldn’t be so traumatic, but when it’s 3AM and you’re in so much pain you’re screaming and you have no idea what the fuck is wrong with you and the only time you’re pain free is when the morphine knocks you out, it’s pretty traumatizing. And I have a very high tolerance for pain. And when you see the surgeon scrambling into your ER bay in her pajamas and a coat, well… You know it’s serious. Scary stuff… I can’t put into words how terrified I was that night into the early hours of the morning. I don’t think there are words.

I’ve had a lot of people tell me over the years that I just need to get over it. I wish it was that simple, to just say, “Okay, done. I’m all better now.” But it’s not that simple… Over the years, Octobers have become less and less frightening to me. But if something feels off, like it did this morning, then it all turns into a major shit show of anxiety. I’m not sure how to make it all go away, which probably means I really should go see this psychologist today. Still, I just don’t like them in general. Every one that I’ve seen so far hasn’t been able to get to the root of any of my issues or wants to work on other things that I don’t. I had one that repeatedly told me she thought I should go out and get a job, it would really help. But when I was working, that had caused me to go back into therapy. Not sure that’s very helpful to be honest…

Not sure if Dali was trying to induce paranoia and failed, here…

I suffer with paranoia about my health a lot… And it all seems to stem from that one incident 15 years ago.

I’ve always been on the more health conscious side just because, well, we all should be. I know some people think I’m vain when I’m concerned about my weight, especially how much I’m carrying around my mid-section. And they think I’m vain when I’m concerned about my teeth. Morticia has often told me to stop wasting my money on dental work, get them pulled and get dentures. First of all, I’m too young for that. Second, I don’t want to be like everyone else in this hick area I live in. Most people my age don’t have all their teeth and that’s disturbing. But it’s not really vanity that makes me concerned with these things. Maintaining a healthy weight and not carrying extra fat around your mid-section helps prevent heart disease and other diseases that come from being overweight. And healthy teeth and gums means a healthy you. So I don’t really see where that’s being vain. I just want to be healthy so that I don’t have any major health issues.

That’s not working out well… Seriously, they just upped the dose of my cholesterol med, I’m currently wearing a heart monitor (that comes off today, thank god) and my back is in major spasm again right now and there’s nothing I can do about it if I want to go to my therapy appointment because I can’t drive on the stuff that helps because I get all fucked up. So yeah… My anxiety about my health and pretty much everything in general in my life has been so far off the charts it’s unmeasurable. I’m not happy about that… But really, what can I do? Hell, I can’t even meditate or anything to calm myself because I can’t get into a comfortable position!

So I guess this will be what my day is like today, lying on the sofa, nursing my back. Except I won’t have a smile on my face. Well… not unless I take the muscle relaxers and pain killers. Otherwise this will be me, hanging out with the animals, watching TV and being a bum. That’s all I can do until the spasms stop.

In the meantime, I think I’ll call my therapist and see if we can do an online session since I’m screwed and I don’t know if I’ll be able to get off the sofa let alone get out the front door, into my car and drive there. I don’t know if they’re doing that anymore since COVID is on the decline again (for now) but it’s worth a shot to try it. It better than me killing myself to try and function with my back like this. Wish me luck…